New Role

Well this is my first blog as a single mom. I've been one for technically almost a year now but felt like one for the last 14 years. Let me back track a bit. I've been married for 16 years, was pretty happy with my 'husband', and four kids. Life wasn't perfect but I didn't expect it to be. In fact I rather enjoyed some of the imperfections and was truly gratefuI for our family life!

Let me just spare the long story and say that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. I was totally in. He wasn't. It blows me away that it's been almost a year now. Still somewhat surreal really. The death of a relationship takes time to mourn and for all ones heartstrings to really be severed. Slowly, the hurt is peeling in layers, going deeper and deeper.

He pretty much moved out and right into his girlfriends house with her 2 boys. Talk about rejection! What hurts the most is all the pain and hurt my kids have to go through. I've been and am hurting too but no one messes with my kids! I see the pain in their eyes, the nightmares, the being scared someone's going to hurt us or break in. They know their dads dad left on him when he was a kid and have asked him why he would do that to them since he knew how it felt. I am proud of them for articulating so well. My kids are really quite amazing! They are such gifts from God and are why I get out of bed every morning.

There have already been some changes and will be even more to come. Making this home 'our' home and ridding it of 'his' stuff has been very mixed but mostly a healthy necessary thing. Trying to make this home more organized, more fun, more structured. I've been trying to enjoy the summer with the kids and really enjoy each day to the fullest (as I always have) They have grown up so much this last year and unnaturally, not by choice. I want them to grow and mature but having to this forced and painful way is just crushing.

Good things have come from all this and I'm sure even more will be to come. The peace and love have been very evident to us. No tip toeing around, lots of laughing, cuddling and family time. We'll see what this next year has in store. Hopefully more bonding, more good long talks, lots more giggles and doing things on the spur of the moment. If I had to pick from a list of problems to have... I'd say there's a lot worse to ones have. I've got four healthy kids and am utterly grateful to God for them!

I'm going to be strong for them. Move on and make the best possible life I can for them. It won't be easy but I have four amazing inspirations to try my hardest for every day.